Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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