for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
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