Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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