She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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