I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
