loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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