I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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