im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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