So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
