If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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