come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
