she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
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