My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
