id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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