you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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