So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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