It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
