He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
