Say something about gay babies.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
