He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
