Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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