I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
did i just pee glitter
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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