I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
