I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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