if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
