Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
