tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Your cock deserves a montage
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
