He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
