If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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