All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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