nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
