my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
