Me too!
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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