Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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