Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
