I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
