The maid of honor just puked.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
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i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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