Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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