I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
