The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
