I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
