It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
