a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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