I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
