guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Just puked most of my soul out..
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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