Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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