i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
