you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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