I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
