woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.