After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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