Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
