she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on