im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
