i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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