A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
