i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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