Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
