I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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