Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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